Wilkomen! This is yet another new section that I’m introducing to the site, called “Fake News, Real Passion”. In this segment, I get the scoop on the latest news stories that have passed under the radar, due mostly to the fact that they aren’t actually real. However, the “Fake News, Real Passion” news team isn’t going to let reality cloud their vision, and our team promises to cover every story top to bottom, until they get bored or have to go home, ’cause you know how it is. Anyways, our team is committed to bringing you the best. Oh, the team is actually just me, in case you were wondering.
This week’s story has to do with the dark world of poultry manipulation: chicken modelling. Everyone knows the stories about how chickens are treated. Raised within weeks or months from chick to dinner feast, the factory-like precision with which chickens are produced and herded out of farm houses. Food Inc. was probably one of the biggest pop-culture exposures people have had to this topic in recent years. Jon Oliver also brought to light the way in which chicken farmers are treated, and the conditions under which they are placed. Yup, a real tragedy.
However, everyone seems to have missed the big issue, and by big, I mean physically. Billboards. Think about it. You drive by them on your way to work, on the highway while your driving to visit your mother-in-law who hates you, or even while you’re escaping the scene of a hit-and-run. The ability of billboards to advertise is huge, simply due to their ubiquity. There are just so many god damn roads.
Since the chicken industry is one of the biggest industries currently in existence (I mean, everyone says so), this must also translate to how many billboards are advertising chicken-related or chicken-based goods and/or services. That’s just logic. However, after all is said and done, who pays the price? Who is up on those billboards advertising the products? You can sure as hell bet that ol’ Col. Sanders isn’t gonna make his way up there. He’s too busy cashing his fat paycheck year after year. No, it’s the chickens who are forced to advertise themselves for our consumption.
Patrick Poulet, a chicken model for the past 5 weeks, had this to say about his experience:
“It’s really hard, you know? All my life, it was the same day over and over again. I wake up, drink some water mixed with growth hormone, and then squat with my brethren, waiting to die. When I got pulled out of the pack to do my first photo shoot, I thought I was in heaven. You know, ’cause I was surrounded by a bunch of humans looking at me with hungry eyes while carrying metal implements. Eventually, the glamour wore off and the reality set in. I should’ve stayed with Jerry, my cellmate. I’m almost positive he’s part of some frozen breaded thing by now. Oh god, I miss Jerry so much…”
Unfortunately, Mr. Poulet was unable to continue the interview afterwards. He was taken away by his owner for unexplained reasons. On a related note, the company in charge of Mr. Poulet sent our team a free chicken dinner. Out of respect for Jerry’s sacrifice, I decided to not let it go to waste. It was actually rather good. I’m sure Jerry’s mother would’ve been proud, assuming she wasn’t in there as well.
Anyways, the harrowing conditions under which chickens are forced to pose and become a party to their own extinction is matched only by the destruction of my digestive tract by the products that are made from them. Seriously guys, way too much oil in those things.
Yeah, so, like… chicken modelling. Bad. Don’t do it. That is all.
Thanks very much for indulging this sad attempt at a thought experiment. Hopefully these things will get better as I keep writing them. Even if they don’t, whatever. I’m not trying to be a pro or anything. Thanks again for reading, and have a great day!